The vaccine story has become almost more baffling than the lockdown story.
My story is a mixed one.
By the end of 2020 I was completely done with the lockdowns fanaticism and as it was more clear than ever that it was not based on established science and that the harms were multiple.
And then the vaccines arrived. The government policy at the start was that we would vaccinate the people vulnerable to SARS-CoV2 and then society would open up. The initial vaccine used in the UK was the AZ-vaccine, which was an adenovirus based vaccine and its technology was based on more established vaccine technology. So I decided to try and help this effort so these damaging restrictions would be lifted.
The training (I am a veterinary surgeon) was slightly bizarre. There was online learning and then a one day face to face practical aspect, including CPR. There were a few things that stood out.
- no NPIs during training
- the people of the UK were referred to as 'citizens', which gave a slightly Orwellian feel to things.
- I asked about aspiration before injecting (which we do in veterinary medicine), but was told that that was not necessary anymore.
So I was accepted as a volunteer and started at Epsom racecourse. Was put in queue management and getting people's details and never injected a single person (thank god). The informed consent bit and injection was all staffed by NHS people, who apparently were paid very well for this (we were doing it for free).
I stopped helping end of February 2021 as it became clear that the government was starting to inject the non-vulnerable people and people below 60 years old. They also started to use the mRNA products, which I thought was reckless in terms of lack of long-term safety data with a novel technology.
During this time I received the AZ-vaccine, which was repeated a few months later. I was in the age category that was on the cusp of being more vulnerable, and I was really torn whether to take it, however as I have family overseas, in a country that was extremely restrictive for non-vaccinated people I was coerced into taking it. The second vaccine gave a reaction of fever, malaise and headaches, which lasted for a few days. I reported this on the Yellow card system and asked my GP for a letter of exemption for any future vaccines, which he provided.
As I am a person who is vehemently in favour of bodily autonomy I tried not to tell our young adult children what to do in terms of vaccination, however I did point out that they really did not need it. My daughter took one Pfizer vaccine, but no more and both of our children then used my paper vaccine certificate to continue to travel and enter premises. My daughter (very healthy, fit and good diet) did develop peritonitis with abdominal abscesses in January 2022 (cause unknown, not sure if appendix involved) and had to have surgery to resolve the issue. There is a published paper which found an increase in appendicitis related to mRNA vaccines, and personal communication with a Manchester GP that he sees a lot of unexplained infections in younger people.
Then in the summer of 2021 more information came out about the Pfizer and Moderna trials, the AZ-vaccine was pulled off the market quietly and over the next few years further problems regarding the mRNA products were discovered, including the change in Ig4-antibodies, DNA contamination to unacceptable levels, frame shifting, and link to myocarditis for starters.
For my Masters in One Health I did a presentation on nanotechnology (as part of a anti-microbial resistance module) and discovered that nanotechnology was still at it's infancy:
Difficult to mass produce consistently, unstable and most research was done in vitro (lab) and not in vivo. So what these lipid nano-particles actually do within the human body we don't actually know...
I did write to the MRHA to ask them why they continued to advocate the use of these mRNA products. It was clear that in any other time products with such level of reported side-effects (which is only the tip of the iceberg) would have been pulled off the market a long time ago.
And never advocated for not-at-risk groups!
The answer I got was that these products were safe and effective (in a 3-page letter).
So what else to do to stop this technology?
I write and chat. Whenever someone tells me they are going for their booster (although that is less frequent nowadays) I encourage them to read up on these vaccines as they are not that safe and effective.
It also leaves me with dilemmas. As said I am for bodily autonomy, however in this particular case unless people really search the message is still 'safe and effective'. They cannot give informed consent. And what to say to a cousin, who is completely convinced these mRNA products are a good idea? And who is now constantly ill? I know correlation and causation are different things, but she is not in an at risk category, so really does not need it.
The truth will out I think, but I am not sure what will happen.
Loss of trust (which has been the case for a few years now), anger, shrugging of shoulders?
Thank you so much for sharing this Myra and such a fascinating insight into the volunteer training. My own story is not dissimilar to yours, except I suppose I gradually transitioned from 'unvaccinated hesitant' to 'unvaccinated refuser' and in doing so, those were psychologically the most difficult years of my career (due to the coercion, stigma, dehumanisation, scapegoating and persecution of people choosing to exercise their right to bodily autonomy, alongside the feelings of bewilderment, betrayal and loss of trust in the professional bodies, regulators and my profession in general). Also as a GP I had to navigate a way through this, keeping up to date with the evidence behind the headline relative risk reductions and safe and effective sales pitches, remaining honest with my patients, acknowledging uncertainty, diligently recording and Yellow carding potential adverse events, being ever mindful of my own biases and trying to remain objective, but always aware of my future self looking back at those discussions. One day I'll probably write about this journey - I'm working up to it.
I've never administered any of these products either, but I did initially support their use in those at higher risk of more severe infection, including members of my own family. Informed consent is based on what we know at the time but I was completely unsuccessful in convincing family members against vaccinating their teenage children when we already had sufficient evidence to counsel against it.
I see purity spirals developing on social media amongst some of the more outspoken critics of the novel technology, but don't find that helpful. We do need to concede the powerful impact of the psychological manipulation on the population. I work with a great bunch of people - fortunately my colleagues were never judgemental and always understood my position would be an evidence-based one. The latest stats for Scotland are 34.4% vaccine uptake in frontilne HCWs in 2023/24 compared with 56.6% in 2022/23.
I agree that the loss of trust in and betrayal by the institutions you think will look out for you and make sensible decisions was very difficult to deal with. Also taking to account the ensuing inhumanity caused by all this.
And it must have been extremely difficult for you being in a position of authority and knowledge, where people put their trust in your judgement, to remain objective and follow the evidence.
And, like you, I always kept in mind that I wanted to be able to keep my head high, follow my own analysis and not follow the crowd just because that was an easier route (I may have faltered slightly on this one by taking the AZ vaccine...).
I did a test yesterday to see what political position I am in now and you may not be surprised to hear I am a full blown 'Libertarian Anarchist'.....
And please write your journey. I have been thinking of doing the same. Problem may be that I have not kept an actual diary, I have kept some links on my phone which will have a date-stamp on it.
Out of interest, did you have any colleagues in your work place who were kindred spirits and has anyone come to you now to acknowledge your view as correct?
I was fortunate that I had already stepped away from practice, so I did not have to navigate our veterinary hospital through the Covid years. I don't think I could have followed these rules, but I know that many of my colleagues believed the narrative hook, line and sinker.
It was a bit of an uphill battle - from day one I tried to encourage the team to consider the evidence base behind new covid protocols and the holistic picture, including potential unintended negative consequences of any actions taken. But it was very difficult if the NHS as a whole was recommending something. Many of my colleagues came to realise face coverings were performative, but others still seem to have faith in them. Luckily one of my colleagues had actually worked with Ebola so was a kindred spirit on the NPIs (actual PPE is pretty unbearable to wear by all accounts) and the awareness of poor risk communication/appraisal.
In the beginning we all practiced the donning and doffing of PPE as if we were dealing with Ebola, and didn't spend too much time thinking about the effectiveness, just trying to get the routines right. It's actually quite time consuming to do it properly, especially on home visits (it could add a good hour to a duty doctor day). But one day I was standing outside a patient's house in the middle of nowhere in a blowing gale, with a plastic apron whipping up around my head, and I had one of those WTF am I doing moments. I think many of us did around the same time.
As a group right from the beginning we were mindful of the risk of Covid distracting us from non-Covid care and tried to mitigate that risk. We didn't always get it right but did our best under trying circumstances. I remain respectful of those colleagues who believed the narrative hook, line and sinker, as long as they remain respectful of my position. I think it is healthy to have different points of view (even when at times it could feel exasperating), as it really does make one think critically about things. Knowing when to yield was also important.
Serendipitously my mum gave me a 3 year 'one thought a day' diary for christmas 2019, so I have a complete record. It's not the most cheerful read though.
The vaccine story has become almost more baffling than the lockdown story.
My story is a mixed one.
By the end of 2020 I was completely done with the lockdowns fanaticism and as it was more clear than ever that it was not based on established science and that the harms were multiple.
And then the vaccines arrived. The government policy at the start was that we would vaccinate the people vulnerable to SARS-CoV2 and then society would open up. The initial vaccine used in the UK was the AZ-vaccine, which was an adenovirus based vaccine and its technology was based on more established vaccine technology. So I decided to try and help this effort so these damaging restrictions would be lifted.
The training (I am a veterinary surgeon) was slightly bizarre. There was online learning and then a one day face to face practical aspect, including CPR. There were a few things that stood out.
- no NPIs during training
- the people of the UK were referred to as 'citizens', which gave a slightly Orwellian feel to things.
- I asked about aspiration before injecting (which we do in veterinary medicine), but was told that that was not necessary anymore.
So I was accepted as a volunteer and started at Epsom racecourse. Was put in queue management and getting people's details and never injected a single person (thank god). The informed consent bit and injection was all staffed by NHS people, who apparently were paid very well for this (we were doing it for free).
I stopped helping end of February 2021 as it became clear that the government was starting to inject the non-vulnerable people and people below 60 years old. They also started to use the mRNA products, which I thought was reckless in terms of lack of long-term safety data with a novel technology.
During this time I received the AZ-vaccine, which was repeated a few months later. I was in the age category that was on the cusp of being more vulnerable, and I was really torn whether to take it, however as I have family overseas, in a country that was extremely restrictive for non-vaccinated people I was coerced into taking it. The second vaccine gave a reaction of fever, malaise and headaches, which lasted for a few days. I reported this on the Yellow card system and asked my GP for a letter of exemption for any future vaccines, which he provided.
As I am a person who is vehemently in favour of bodily autonomy I tried not to tell our young adult children what to do in terms of vaccination, however I did point out that they really did not need it. My daughter took one Pfizer vaccine, but no more and both of our children then used my paper vaccine certificate to continue to travel and enter premises. My daughter (very healthy, fit and good diet) did develop peritonitis with abdominal abscesses in January 2022 (cause unknown, not sure if appendix involved) and had to have surgery to resolve the issue. There is a published paper which found an increase in appendicitis related to mRNA vaccines, and personal communication with a Manchester GP that he sees a lot of unexplained infections in younger people.
Then in the summer of 2021 more information came out about the Pfizer and Moderna trials, the AZ-vaccine was pulled off the market quietly and over the next few years further problems regarding the mRNA products were discovered, including the change in Ig4-antibodies, DNA contamination to unacceptable levels, frame shifting, and link to myocarditis for starters.
For my Masters in One Health I did a presentation on nanotechnology (as part of a anti-microbial resistance module) and discovered that nanotechnology was still at it's infancy:
Difficult to mass produce consistently, unstable and most research was done in vitro (lab) and not in vivo. So what these lipid nano-particles actually do within the human body we don't actually know...
I did write to the MRHA to ask them why they continued to advocate the use of these mRNA products. It was clear that in any other time products with such level of reported side-effects (which is only the tip of the iceberg) would have been pulled off the market a long time ago.
And never advocated for not-at-risk groups!
The answer I got was that these products were safe and effective (in a 3-page letter).
So what else to do to stop this technology?
I write and chat. Whenever someone tells me they are going for their booster (although that is less frequent nowadays) I encourage them to read up on these vaccines as they are not that safe and effective.
It also leaves me with dilemmas. As said I am for bodily autonomy, however in this particular case unless people really search the message is still 'safe and effective'. They cannot give informed consent. And what to say to a cousin, who is completely convinced these mRNA products are a good idea? And who is now constantly ill? I know correlation and causation are different things, but she is not in an at risk category, so really does not need it.
The truth will out I think, but I am not sure what will happen.
Loss of trust (which has been the case for a few years now), anger, shrugging of shoulders?
Time will tell....
Thank you so much for sharing this Myra and such a fascinating insight into the volunteer training. My own story is not dissimilar to yours, except I suppose I gradually transitioned from 'unvaccinated hesitant' to 'unvaccinated refuser' and in doing so, those were psychologically the most difficult years of my career (due to the coercion, stigma, dehumanisation, scapegoating and persecution of people choosing to exercise their right to bodily autonomy, alongside the feelings of bewilderment, betrayal and loss of trust in the professional bodies, regulators and my profession in general). Also as a GP I had to navigate a way through this, keeping up to date with the evidence behind the headline relative risk reductions and safe and effective sales pitches, remaining honest with my patients, acknowledging uncertainty, diligently recording and Yellow carding potential adverse events, being ever mindful of my own biases and trying to remain objective, but always aware of my future self looking back at those discussions. One day I'll probably write about this journey - I'm working up to it.
I've never administered any of these products either, but I did initially support their use in those at higher risk of more severe infection, including members of my own family. Informed consent is based on what we know at the time but I was completely unsuccessful in convincing family members against vaccinating their teenage children when we already had sufficient evidence to counsel against it.
I see purity spirals developing on social media amongst some of the more outspoken critics of the novel technology, but don't find that helpful. We do need to concede the powerful impact of the psychological manipulation on the population. I work with a great bunch of people - fortunately my colleagues were never judgemental and always understood my position would be an evidence-based one. The latest stats for Scotland are 34.4% vaccine uptake in frontilne HCWs in 2023/24 compared with 56.6% in 2022/23.
I agree that the loss of trust in and betrayal by the institutions you think will look out for you and make sensible decisions was very difficult to deal with. Also taking to account the ensuing inhumanity caused by all this.
And it must have been extremely difficult for you being in a position of authority and knowledge, where people put their trust in your judgement, to remain objective and follow the evidence.
And, like you, I always kept in mind that I wanted to be able to keep my head high, follow my own analysis and not follow the crowd just because that was an easier route (I may have faltered slightly on this one by taking the AZ vaccine...).
I did a test yesterday to see what political position I am in now and you may not be surprised to hear I am a full blown 'Libertarian Anarchist'.....
And please write your journey. I have been thinking of doing the same. Problem may be that I have not kept an actual diary, I have kept some links on my phone which will have a date-stamp on it.
Out of interest, did you have any colleagues in your work place who were kindred spirits and has anyone come to you now to acknowledge your view as correct?
I was fortunate that I had already stepped away from practice, so I did not have to navigate our veterinary hospital through the Covid years. I don't think I could have followed these rules, but I know that many of my colleagues believed the narrative hook, line and sinker.
It was a bit of an uphill battle - from day one I tried to encourage the team to consider the evidence base behind new covid protocols and the holistic picture, including potential unintended negative consequences of any actions taken. But it was very difficult if the NHS as a whole was recommending something. Many of my colleagues came to realise face coverings were performative, but others still seem to have faith in them. Luckily one of my colleagues had actually worked with Ebola so was a kindred spirit on the NPIs (actual PPE is pretty unbearable to wear by all accounts) and the awareness of poor risk communication/appraisal.
In the beginning we all practiced the donning and doffing of PPE as if we were dealing with Ebola, and didn't spend too much time thinking about the effectiveness, just trying to get the routines right. It's actually quite time consuming to do it properly, especially on home visits (it could add a good hour to a duty doctor day). But one day I was standing outside a patient's house in the middle of nowhere in a blowing gale, with a plastic apron whipping up around my head, and I had one of those WTF am I doing moments. I think many of us did around the same time.
As a group right from the beginning we were mindful of the risk of Covid distracting us from non-Covid care and tried to mitigate that risk. We didn't always get it right but did our best under trying circumstances. I remain respectful of those colleagues who believed the narrative hook, line and sinker, as long as they remain respectful of my position. I think it is healthy to have different points of view (even when at times it could feel exasperating), as it really does make one think critically about things. Knowing when to yield was also important.
Serendipitously my mum gave me a 3 year 'one thought a day' diary for christmas 2019, so I have a complete record. It's not the most cheerful read though.